Men Are Useless Blog

Ed note: the Cock Grease has already been won by David Keane who correctly guessed that the month we’re in is February!

Men Are Useless Newsletter

Hang on, this needs a month at the top. What month are we in now? It was just Christmas, wasn’t it? That makes it January, right? But we’ve just had Valentines Day… which makes it…? Okay, there’s one way to settle this. The first person to email wakeup@menareuseless.com to tell us what month it is will win a tub of Cock Grease.

Ah… you didn’t know about that, did you? No giggling. Here’s the low down:

COCK GREASE

Cock Grease is a range of four new products we’re selling that’s fully guaranteed to make it totally stiff and keep it up all night. Your quiff, that is. Why? What did you think we were talking about? Cock Grease is a hair pomade that’s especially good for those Grease (yeah… where did you think the film name came from?) quiffs and ducktail hairstyles that are coming back into fashion this year.

Oh, alright, yes, the name is childishly amusing too. But – and here’s a fun fact – the stuff that 50s greasers originally used to put in their hair actually was literally ‘cock grease’. Nothing to do with male chickens, but engineering lubricant, intended for freeing up stop cocks and ball cocks and the like. Oh, you’re going to laugh at ‘ball cock’ now as well, aren’t you? I give up. But yeah, Cock Grease. Buy some because you want to do cool things with your hair, or for the same reasons you’d buy that ‘Jamaican Cock Soup’ stuff that corner shops and some supermarkets sometimes have. Either way works for us.

Take a look at our Cock Grease here

QUARTERLY DISCOVERY BOX

This might sound a little familiar, as we’ve mentioned it in all of our recent newsletters, but now the Men Are Useless Discovery Quarterly boxes are actually available!

These packs include trial examples of high end products. And that means an actual small bottle, tube or packet of something that you can use quite a few times, until you’re sure you like it or not. If you like them, you’ll be able to buy the full sized product direct from us at a juicy discount if you leave a little review or drag a mate among for the ride too.  Available now!

Sign up here 

Fed up of hearing us banging on about it ourselves?  Well here are two quotes from independent reviewers

From The Blogging Bloke:
“Overall, I’m loving this box from Men Are Useless, and am steadily working my way through trialling the products. The selection is good, same for the frequency, and they are presented beautifully but without pretention.
Whether you want to try something new, or help a useless man sort himself out, you could go a lot worse than the discovery box.”
From Man Face:
“What a delight to receive this handy, letterbox sized package through my door this morning from the amazing guys at MenAreUseless.com, which upon opening presented me with 5 stunning grooming products surrounded by sweets (that once again I’m sat here eating as I review
Because of MenAreUseless.com’s continuing ingenuity in the world of male grooming, I am awarding them with the Manface Approved Award and by god they deserve”

GREAT MOMENTS IN SHAVING IN THE MOVIES PART 54

You know what, we’re almost out of these, so are going to have to cheat a bit. And by cheating, we mean ‘looking at other people’s similar lists online’ – but they all seem to be full of scenes where famous actresses shave their heads for film roles. I think we’ve done that already, so we’re not going to nick those ones. But, we did find something that we hadn’t thought of before – Macaulay Culkin

in Home Alone. Trying to be all grown up and showering on his own to prove he can take care of himself. Then trying his Dad’s aftershave with a resulting gigantic scream that shows he’s really not quite ready for that yet. He’s 31 now, you know!

REMEMBER TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH

TOOTHCARE PLANS

I know we keep going on about this, but it’s really important. And also a chance for us to sell you some more stuff. A brief survey of blokes down the pub wot we sort of know indicates that most of them don’t take proper care of their toothy pegs. So unless you want to end up looking like a pirate… wait… that’s a good thing… unless you want to look like a person with rotten nasty teeth that’re falling out, get brushing and flossing and all that.

To help you out with this, we offer a dental pack plan. This will be bi-monthly refuel of a new toothbrush, Arm and Hammer toothpaste, dental floss and mouthwash.  If you lighten your wallet of £5 a month you’ll have a shiny new brush, some toothpaste, floss and mouthwash every 8 weeks. Probably cheaper than the dentist.

ALUM MATCHES

‘What the hell are they?’ many of you may ask. Well, ask your granddad. He’ll tell you that they’re the best thing to use after shaving if you’ve got a few bloodspots or a cut. The alum eases the bleeding and tightens the skin. Compared to the old ‘Styptic Pencil’ that you’re Grandad probably used, these are single use disposable paper matches, so they’re far more hygienic. If you’re worried that something from back in the dark ages of personal grooming like this is archaic and out of touch, don’t be. Cutthroat razors are cool. We said so. And now loads of people have been ordering our BLUEBEARD STRAIGHT RAZOR KITS and they’re archaic, but the height of manliness to use. Actually, you know what? Instead of just selling Alum Matches to you, we’re going to bung them in with all of our shaving products so you can make up your own minds about how right we are about them.

Remember, you rock!

If for some strange reason you don’t find our newsletter the best thing you’ve ever read you can actually unsubscribe.  We’ll need to spend a few weeks in therapy if you do, but we’ll understand … sort of!  Simply reply to this email with unsubscribe in the subject line and you’re off the list – we promise!