If the answers yes then, erm … not sure how to end this sentence.

However, if the answer’s NO then we’ve got some refined treats for you:

Neotantric Frangrances

Manic Love Man Eau de Toilette

The Magnet!

Not sure you get inspired or inspire others?

Citrus, bergamot, viola, cedar wood and amber gives a cool, almost metallic and ultra masculine character to this fascinating fragrance created by Karine Dubreuil.

Volume
100ml / 3.4 fl.oz

 

 

Dirty Money Natural Spray

Dramatic!

Neotantric Fragances Dirty Money is a masculine, mysterious fragrance with fresh, spicy top notes of lemon, pink pepper and saffron that turns into a spicy floral heart where harsh black pepper meets sweet jasmine. The aroma is finished by a fresh, earthy base. Throughout the scent, you feel a thread of tobacco that binds the notes together .

A dramatic and aggressive scent!

 

Pampara Peepshow

Let's have a peep then

 

A decadent dreamy scent of lemon, bergamot, mandarin, cedar and musk. Parampara Peepshow mixes fruit and flowers with masculine base notes of spices and leather. Created by Christian Vermorel.

 

 

 

 

 

So what’s it going to be guys?  Gift Pack aftershave or the good stuff?  Remember – we know who you are!

We’re good, we’re really good. You’ll see just how good when you read on!

We’ve teamed up with Aquatina who make the most amazing, environmentally friendly water bottle (it goes some way to stopping the millions of bottles thrown away every year at festivals). It also saves you queuing up to pay absurd amounts for bottled water. It stretches to fit 500ml and then squishes down to fit in you pocket. Cool Eh?

So we thought – why not cram as many festival essentials in the bottle. Then you’ve got all you need on one place – stick it in your rucksack – empty out all the bits you need at the festie and hey presto you’ve got a water bottle that’s free of nasties and really portable.

See what we mean about being good?

We’ve managed to cram in:
3 Mates condoms, 2 very cool Wingman deodorising wipes (these are like a foil wrapped shower for your pocket!), some sun cream, ear plugs, toothbrush, toothpaste, some plasters and a little packet of love heart sweets!

It’s only £13.50 too … good eh?

It’s the Newsletter, newsletter, here is the newsletter.

Hello again (or hello for the first time if this is your first newsletter –make a cuppa, pull up a chair  and waste 5 minutes reading this deeply divisive marketing drivel)

So, this is the Men Are Useless May newsletter. I’m sure that it’s still not news to you that many men remain useless at things like buying toiletries and grooming products. Currently it seem that they’re all too busy making up jokes about the drought we’re having here in the UK, whilst having to swim their way to work every day through all of the massive puddles, avoiding mini-tornadoes and trying to spot patches of blue sky through all the rain clouds. The weather’s bloody rubbish, isn’t it, and here in the UK we’re even more useless when it comes to dealing with the weather. When the Sun does come out, the news will be all about the dangers of flood plains.

All of the changeable weather and uncertainty has meant that men’s approach to some Summer activities such as festival going and camping can be fraught with indecision when it comes to planning. Do you take EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD EVER in preparation, or do you shrug and pack light, but find out you’ve not got what you need when you’re there? Well, we think about these matters all the time here in Men Are Useless Towers* and have put together a most excellent Festival Pack that will help you out with some of the boring aspects of keeping clean and hygienic when away from the comforts of home. See below for more or just wave your mouse here and buy one right now!

*We don’t really have a tower. We do currently have a moat though. Seriously. Bloody blocked drains…

Product Promo – Double bladed razors

Have you ever wondered why razor blades are so expensive? And how many of them end up going to landfill sites after just a short amount of time? Well, first, we’re going to bet that you probably don’t even mean just the blades, but the cartridges that slot into the tops of handles made by giant multi-national monopolies that have about, wait, what are we on now, six blades and a big chunk of plastic?

The reason these are so expensive is because they’re backed by massive international ad campaigns, fronted by sportsmen that you’re supposed to want to look like. What you’re paying for a product goes towards making you want to pay for that product. Not to get all Citizen Smith on you here (and first person to email telling us which actor played this character and what organisation he represented gets something nice in the post – EDIT: This has already been won by Mr David Connor!) but isn’t that a bit daft? Especially when they don’t actually give you the best available shave.

Yes, that’s right. We’re calling out all of these supposed scientific wonders with their multiblades and expensive ads. We think that the very best shave (if you’re too chicken to go with a cut throat razor) is from a double-edged safety razor, of the kind that uses an actual, proper razor blade. The kind of thing your granddad used. Back in the days before everything turned rubbish, as he would probably put it. Well, Granddad might have been wrong about a lot of things, but when it comes to shaving, the high point was probably about fifty years ago – except, we’re bringing this experience back, with some excellent double-bladed razor introduction packs.  Imagine it – just buy the razor and after that just pick up the double edges blades (no wondering which ‘system you’re on with Gillette’ or whether it’s an Azor 3 or 5 or whatever).  In fact, but one and we’ll send you the blades monthly if you wish … and some shaving cream every 3 months.

Double Edged Razor Starter Pack exclusive to Men Are Useless

Useless Tip of the Month  – why you should ignore ‘what not to say in a job interview’ type features

As times are tough at the moment and getting a pay rise or promotion is tricky, and many people are looking for new jobs for one reason or another, we’ve noticed a rash of ‘top things not to do or say in job interview’ articles. They all look like they’ve been written from the perspective of employers, to try to force conformity on the kinds of people they want to recruit. Well, in our quest to help useless men everywhere, we’re also calling these out and telling you what you really should know.

1 – Should you really not slag off previous or current employers?

This is usually near the top of these sorts of lists. On the surface, it’s good advice. But when you get asked why you’re looking for a new job, are you going to look shifty and dishonest if you squirm around in your seat, trying to think of euphemistic ways to say ‘the pay’s rubbish and the boss is a hideous bully’? Nah. Just come out with it. Chances are, if it’s in a similar industry, or for a competitor, they’ll enjoy the gossip and may see you as a kindred spirit. Spill the beans.

2 – How about asking about the pay and benefits and holidays.

You’re not supposed to seem too eager to just want a job for the pay, but to really, really be interested in what the company does and how its goals align with yours and how you really want to be a part of its family. Come on… If you really think that, then you’re probably not the kind of person to be reading this anyway, but what’s worse? To look like someone who’s just going to kiss bottom, or to be honest about why you’re there? To pay the bills and have enough left over for a few nice things and some time to enjoy your life. Sure, if you want to work for a charity or for a cause that you care about, then maybe everything else is secondary, but if it’s just a job, make sure that you know exactly what you’re going to be getting out of it so that there’s no doubt later on and you can make an informed decision if you’re offered the role.

3 – What to do when asked about your ‘weaknesses’ or why you think you’re a good fit for the role.

They love these questions, interviewers do. Should you really answer ‘I’m not all that motivated, just want to get through the day then get out and I’ll probably be hung-over still on Mondays’ or do you say ‘well, I could probably do with some extra training on spreadsheets to improve my skills there’? The thing to remember is, it’s up to you how you answer. Don’t confuse yourself by trying to work out from all of the different articles on the subject, written by uninformed idiots with space to fill (and we count ourselves here) what to say. Be honest. If being honest means you don’t get the job, then it would only make you miserable if you did anyway.

4 – Your appearance

Now we come to our angle, as a company trying to flog you stuff. Yeah, you knew it would be in here somewhere, didn’t you? How should you look when going for an interview? Well, the usual advice is that you should dress up, rather than down. What we’d say is that you, personally, should look your best, according to your own preferences for style and grooming. Look how you want to look, not how you think that someone else wants you to, as that’ll only make you uncomfortable. Be the best you that you can me. Not what anyone else thinks you should look like. Don’t get a haircut for an interview, if you like having long hair. If you have a beard, make sure it’s how you want it to look, don’t just shave it off, but if you are clean-shaven, have a really good shave the day before, then tidy up on the day, as you’ll feel really good but probably won’t have as much risk of blood-spots on your collar this way.

However, here’s a sartorial tip right from the horse’s mouth, as it were. If you want to show some individuality, then don’t just wear your ordinary slobbing about clothes. Make a real effort in one area, and dress down in another. No tie? Sure, but choose some elegant cufflinks. Trainers with a suit? Absolutely, but be careful to make sure that the colours match. Pop-culture t-shirt that shows how quirky and individual you are? Again, go for it, but put it up against some really well-polished smart shoes. Anyone can look smart if they follow a few rules and read articles in men’s magazines. But to look great, you need to put some of yourself into your look.

5 – Do NOT eat sandwiches before an interview.

Seriously, don’t. You might go for something that will hold itself together well, and the temptation, when you’ve a long way to go for an interview, may be to get something from a service station’s delicious food selection, but chances are it’ll drop in your lap, you won’t notice, and if it’s something like coronation chicken filling, it’ll look like you’ve had an extremely embarrassing ‘accident’. Have a good breakfast, when still in your jammies, THEN get cleaned up and dressed, and don’t eat anything before the interview, unless it’s from a sealed container, like astronaut food.

The Men Are Useless Festival Pack – as previously mentioned

No Need For Water Festival Survival Kit

Festivals, eh? Don’t you love them! Having to put up with the experience of quickly turning near Neanderthal in appearance and hygiene and then ending up red as a lobster after too long in the sun, all so you can watch a few specks on a stage half a mile away play some ancient greatest hits from before you were born. Isn’t it brilliant?!

If we sound cynical, it’s because we are.  We remember the days you could arrive at Glastonbury with little more than a fiver and a bucket full of hope before you jumped in over the fence.  But we’re not the kind of cynics who just grumble away without trying to do something about it. We can’t do much about the terrible old dinosaurs that tend to get booked for festivals instead of up-and-coming interesting music, but we’ve put this pack together with the intention of it being all you need to stay relatively comfortable and clean over a festival weekend.  And we’ve made sure you don’t need access to water to make it happen.

First, your shower substitute. That’s the Wingman Wipes and dry shampoo. Wingman Wipes aren’t just for wiping your hands off like the hot lemon towel you get after a curry. They as close to a shower in a bag as you’re going to get. Use one all over in the morning and you’ll feel much better. Likewise with the dry shampoo.  Spray it through your hair, leave it a bit, then comb out with the comb we’ve also thoughtfully provided. You won’t quite feel like you’ve just stepped out of a salon, but it will go a long way to making sure your hair doesn’t just turn into a greasy mess of ratstails over a festie weekend.

Toothbrush and toothpaste – there you go. You know what to do with those.
The hand gel is for before and after eating – and here’s a handy tip, if you have some delicious greasy chips from a hot food van, but feel quite oily afterwards, you don’t have to break out a Wingman wipe, just use a liberal dollop of hand gel and (remembering to keep away from your eyes, nose and mouth) clean yourself up with this and then finish off with a single tissue (tissues also provided – see what we’ve done here!)

The sun cream we’ve included has a handy little higher strength sun block in the lid, which is for your lips and nose. You’re at a festival here, not sunbathing at the beach, so we’ve not gone for the highest SPF stuff available and recommend covering up when you’re in the sun, and reapplying the cream on exposed areas regularly if it is very sunny. If the weather is bad, well, there’s the rain poncho as well.

We’ve also included a couple of ‘Spikey’ anti drinks-spiking devices. The drinks that seem to be most commonly spiked are bottled beers and breezer types, and these are designed to fit snuggly into the top of one of these bottles, with a straw through them, to ensure that nothing else can get in. Of course, take all sensible precautions anyway, but if you’re drinking from bottles in a public area, it can’t hurt to use one of these.

There’s also some Alka-Seltzer if you’ve overdone it a bit, some plasters which might be useful if you’ve got blisters from dancing like a loon and a glowstick, either for helping you find things in the dark, or waving about in a dance tent. Oh, and some condoms, don’t laugh you at the back … you know it’s important to use them.  Although judging by your sniggering – you won’t need them!

And it all comes in a handy bag that’ll keep it all safe and secure until you need it, which won’t take up much room. So there you go – there are some other bits in there too but we’re tired now and need to go and get our pipes and carpet slippers, there’s a lovely Radio 2 documentary on about the good old days … for the rest of you young uns here’s the link

The Just a Few Quid Shave Club

We’ve mentioned this before, but feel it’s worth mentioning again, as it’s such a bloody brilliant idea and you should tell all your friends about it, if you haven’t already.

The Men Are Useless ‘Just a Few Quid’ shave club has been designed by us so believe me – it’s pretty basic. You select the razor you want, pay a monthly fee that usually equates to the price of a poor glass of wine or a pint (probably less, since the budget), and we send them straight to you (and they SHOULD fit through your letter box, so no having to make a trip to the post office depot).

The benefits are:

1 – No more forgetting to buy blades

2 – No more getting to the supermarket and forgetting what the precise model blade fits into the razor handle you have

3 – Every new member gets a FREE compatible handle. And if you change between schemes, you get ANOTHER FREE handle

4 – You’re going to love the scheme. Fact. However, even if you don’t, you can cancel anytime

Like us, it’s simple. And we TOTALLY THOUGHT OF IT FIRST, way before those Americans with their clever viral video thing… grrr…

So go to The Just a Few Quid Shave Club to find out more.

There you go.  We made it chatty but sneaked in some sales messages.  Some people like the tone – others hate it.  If you’re in the hate camp we’ve got loads of 2 pence pieces in our jar so we can afford the therapy if you’d like to unsubscribe.  Just replay to this email with unsubscribe in the title field and we’ll never darken your inbox again.

Our name’s been Men Are Useless, Goodnight

Shave like a real man - no lubricating strips here

Maybe you think there’s something inherently macho about shaving like your Great Grandpa used to – in the days before wet boy safety razors and lubricating strips! Swiping a single sharp blade around your face for the closest possible shave. Maybe you hanker for simpler times before eight-bladed monstrosities that vibrate were all that seem to be pushed on the public via massive overly exposed advertising campaigns that make you feel like you’ll be worthless and ugly unless you buy, buy, buy something that after six months will be declared obsolete, when they add yet another blade and another gimmick. Well, you don’t need all that and you should stop believing the subtle messages about your worthlessness without their products too.

This pack was bought once for our boss and he’s shaved with nothing else since. You use proper double sided blades, position them into the razor and enjoy that satisfying scrape as the sharp blade deals with stubble – frankly if you can shave with this and not smile at yourself in the mirror you’re better than us!

Contents: Bluebeard’s Revenge Scimitar Double Edged Razor (RRP: £33.00), Bluebeard’s Revenge Dubloon Wooden Shaving Brush, 100ml concentrated Bluebeard’s Revenge Shaving Cream and a pack of double edged razor blades

The His and Hers Innuendo Hair Care Pack – Just £14.50 out of your moneybox

Childish? Us? Never ...

So buy this, get a laugh out of it, and spend the rest of the day feeling smug because you bought the gift that they kept talking about (and placed in front of the teas maid or whatever else old aunt Phyliss bought them)

For the chaps we’ve got Cock Grease Number X – It’s an Extra Slick pomade is great for soft hair styles, slicking hair, business look, or the wet look. Use it for parting, lifting and styling. Made with Petrolatum and Micro-crystalline wax with a light vanilla smell it’s guaranteed (and we’re quoting from the package here) to keep it stiff all night!

For the lady we’ve got Beaver Cream – This is a petroleum pomade for her. This light pomade is perfect for smoothing and adding moisture and shine. Made with Shea butter and palm oil with the sweet scent of gardenias.  It’s the Grease With Grip

Apparently there’s also a Butt Cream for babies bums in America but we can’t stock that aswell because our web traffic would become increasing dodgy if we had a cock, beaver and but cream package!

Here’s the write up on the Men Are Useless Site

Beaver cream is a petroleum pomade for her. This light pomade is perfect for smoothing and adding moisture and shine.

Made with Shea butter and palm oil with the sweet scent of gardenias.

The Grease With Grip

And here’s a look at the little beauty:

Beaver Cream Hair Pomade For Ladies

Sort it now!

Shave a save with our blade club

This gift set has all the virtues of the ideal present – the products are great and, together, look like you’ve spent loads and really thought about it! It can also be gift boxed for £1.50 at the checkout

Larvlee

So what’s in it?

Moosehead Dirty Boy Hair, Face and Body Wash 250ml
Moosehead Charcoal Oil Control Moisturiser 75ml
Moosehead Defining Paste 75g (our biggest selling Moosehead hair product)
Moosehead Anti Blackhead Face Scrub.

All he could need to look, smell and feel great … well maybe not ALL but it’ll get him a good way there

Although, what it does mean, is that those of you who get up early, are going to be shaving in the dark again? Well, yes, we know you turn the light on but you’ll still be a bit out of sorts first thing, so that means it’s going to be extra important to make sure that you’ve got some fresh razors blades, so you won’t be gouging your face up with horrible, blunt old ones.

That rather tenuous link may go down in history as the poorest segue into a piece of blatant marketing ever, but we’re not proud and will take what we can get. So here it comes. Our brand new, utterly wonderful idea:

“Bandwagon? What is this ‘Bandwagon’ of which you speak… hmm?”

In a totally original development, that was in no way at all inspired by the excellent ‘Dollar Shave Club’, that had that brilliant viral video going round, which we… um… haven’t even seen (at all, nope, definitely not) the original UK men’s grooming products subscription service, MenAreUseless.com is launching the ‘Just A Few Quid Shave Club’.

The Men Are Useless ‘Just a Few Quid’ shave club has been designed by us so believe me – it’s pretty basic. You select the razor you want, pay a monthly fee that usually equates to the price of a poor glass of wine or a pint (probably less, since the budget), and we send them straight to you (and they SHOULD fit through your letter box, so no having to make a trip to the post office depot).

The benefits are:

1 – No more forgetting to buy blades

2 – No more getting to the supermarket and forgetting what the precise model blade fits into the razor handle you have

3 – Every new member gets a FREE compatible handle. And if you change between schemes, you get ANOTHER FREE handle

4 – You’re going to love the scheme. Fact. However, even if you don’t, you can cancel anytime

Like us, it’s simple. And we TOTALLY THOUGHT OF IT FIRST, way before those Americans with their clever viral video thing… grrr…

So go to The Just a Few Quid Shave Club to find out more.

Father’s Day

The boss told me to put something in here about Father’s Day. I don’t even know when it is. Does anyone else know? Isn’t it just one of those made up things, to sell stuff…

… oh.

Right. Yes. I see his point now. Well, perhaps you’d like to buy a nice new Bluebeard Scimitar Shaving Set for your Dad (this is one of those amazing double edges razors when you put actual blades in!)? Or, if you’re a dad yourself, drop some hints that you’d like something from Men Are Useless. Perhaps a subscription to the essentials box? Or a  Bluebeard Cut Throat Razor Set, maybe? We’re just reminding you that now’s your chance to drop some hints, if you’re a dad.  In fact we’re putting together a Moosehead gift set today – it’ll have 2 in 1 Moosehead shampoo/shower gel, a Moosehead face scrub, some Moosehead Hair Dough and some Moosehead Charcoal Moisturiser.  Expect a clever name playing on the fact that Moose sounds a bit like Spruce (as in spruce up) – It’ll be on the site under gifts for men by 12.14 today.

However – we can’t actually remember when Father’s Day is, so maybe you could help us out? The first person to email wakeup@menareuseless.com with the date of father’s day will receive something nice in the post. Unless we’ve missed it… we haven’t, have we…?

Blatant solicitation of bribes and influence through donations

It has come to our attention that there have allegedly been allegations made that it is possible to buy power and influence in this country by making donations to political parties, or by attending dinners and banquets with politicians at which you can totally brown-nose them.

Men Are Useless’ management would like to make it clear that it utterly condones such practices and in the interests of full disclosure and transparency is fully acknowledging that it is more than happy for any and all interested parties to provide us with donations or hospitality in exchange for influence in the products we offer, or ideas for the direction of the company.

Yes, that’s right – if you’re a multinational global corporation, we’re totally happy for you to take us to the Carribbean on your yacht. Or, we would be if we could actually spell Caribbean. We have no problem with this at all. What’s more, even if you’re from a smaller company, or are just starting out in the men’s toiletries or gifts business and want to buy us a coffee and talk about how we can sell your goods to mutually make loads of lovely, lovely money, by offering the good folk out there some excellent new products or services, we’d love to talk to you too.
You know how to find us: wakeup@menareuseless.com

ALUM MATCHES – free postage!

We’ve been including Alum matches in with most of our shave sets, but seeing as a few of you are telling us you’ve run out, but don’t want to have to buy a whole new shave kit to get some more, we’re now offering them for sale on their own – WITH FREE POSTAGE!  It also didn’t help that Men’s Health Magazine did a review and we have thousands of site visitors wanting to spend £1!

Alum Matches are, in case you’ve forgotten, absolutely brilliant astringent, aftershave type things that come in a matchbook. Alum is a natural styptic, stopping bloodflow and closing wounds almost instantly if you do have a slip whilst shaving. Very handy to have in the bathroom indeed.

So, grab a few packs here. Just £1.00 – including postage.

Remember, use suncream and men – there’s no excuse for going topless on the high street.  It doesn’t matter how good your body is!

Best wishes,

All at Men Are Useless

PS: If for some reason you don’t want to receive drivel like the above you can always press reply to this email with ‘unsubscribe’ in the title box.  We’ve got plenty of money for therapy to deal with the disappointment and the newsletter writer’s on probation so we’ll simply sack him and mention your name!

Putting a blade in your Cut Throat Razor